


Where the ashes rain in your mind.

by amazingjemma



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Black Widow!Jemma, Captain America!Bobbi, F/M, Gen, Hawkeye!Hunter - mentioned, Self-Sacrifice, Winter Soldier!Fitz - mentioned, goodbye letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 11:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15509382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingjemma/pseuds/amazingjemma
Summary: "My dear Soldier, if you are reading this letter, it means that I am no longer with you."





	Where the ashes rain in your mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks leopoldjamesfitzs on tumblr for beting ♥  
> Title from 'sacrifice' by zella day.  
> This belongs to the RP thread with leopoldjamesfitzs. Other RP threads you can find by tracking tags in the tags section on my ao3 page.

_My dear Soldier, if you are reading this letter, it means that I am no longer with you._  


Jemma coughs and spits blood, trying to recover from the blast. She feels Bobbi’s body pressed to her back and notices the round metal object in front of their faces. She quickly recognizes Captain America’s shield and does the math in her head, recounting the events that had transpired.

  
  
Bobbi had managed to cover them both before the bomb went off, which meant they are still alive and they still have a chance of getting out of here. Alive for now, at least. She doesn’t want to think about it but rather about the mission which they have apparently failed.

  
  
“Not my finest moment,” Jemma has the audacity to joke but her laughter turns into moans of pain and she hears Bobbi shuffling more closely to her. The widow looks up and smirks. “He taught me how to operate around a potential bomb and even defuse them.”

  
  
“That’s… not the same as working with these bombs,” Bobbi mutters and shakes her head, looking around the mess. “They are instant and don’t do that much damage but still pretty dangerous; they stun anybody within it’s path.”

  
  
“Yeah, I noticed.”

  
  
The Widow sits up on the floor and rips off her tact gear, throwing it to the side. Maybe this is it.

 

They are trapped inside the old brick building, Hydra agents on every corner ready to shoot. Both Jemma and Bobbi know the protocol and maybe sending them wasn’t the best decision. Jemma would have felt safer if Fitz was here as well.

 

She might have grown up among Hydra but he had been with them much longer. His expertise would be much more appreciated; and maybe then they could have managed to outnumber other agents by just having the Winter Soldier with them.

  
  
On the other hand, it would be risky. Hydra might be all muscles and power but they are not dumb. Leopold Fitz was and still is the most valuable asset and it would be a shame to lose him like that.

 

(Jemma thinks that they still have his trigger words hidden somewhere, ready to use them whenever it’s necessary. The same way they have hers, but she’s grown resilient to them over the decades.)

 

She can’t lose him. She won’t let them control his actions all over again. She feels responsible for his safety even though it is rather abstract concept.

  
  
When Jemma tries to stand up, Bobbi catches her before the Widow loses her balance. Simmons huffs but leans on her friend and wipes her blood off her mouth with shaky hands. The should find some shelter or a cover for a few moments to recover and keep moving but Jemma knows she won’t make it. She feels her ribs ache with every step she takes and her split lip keeps bleeding.

  
  
“Bobbi, wait,” Jemma stops and leans on the wall and a few moments later squats on the floor, her breath shaky. “We won’t stop them. Not now.”

  
  
“What?” Captain America puts her shield behind her back and stands on her knees to level with the other woman. “Jemma? What do you mean?”

  
  
“We are outnumbered,” Jemma spits another blood clot and covers the wound on her left side with her palm. “You know this is true, Bob. You’ve been fighting against Hydra for so many years. You ought to know them. They always fight dirty.”

  
  
“Yes well,” Bobbi shakes her head and lowers her voice. There are ears everywhere. “There is something good in that too. Like you and Fitz.”

  
  
Jemma smiles softly and closes her eyes, feeling weaker every second. Meeting Bobbi Morse was a silver lining in her life when she was particularly lost. She could have died much earlier if not for SHIELD – something she had devoted her life to but later stood it up for the Winter Soldier.

 

It’s like everything was back to square one and Jemma had come to the point where she once started from. It feels odd and Simmons has got a feeling of déjà vu. It’s like she had never stopped being Hydra at all.

  
  
The Widow feels tears forming in her eyes as the realization hits her and when she looks at her friend, Bobbi’s eyes already know the answer. She’s always been smart in this way.

  
  
“Jemma… no,” Morse shakes her head violently and Jemma knows she’ll try to talk her into not doing that. “You can’t just stay here and this plan sucks.”

  
“We don’t have another choice.”

  
  
“No, but we are getting out of here together and I am not going to risk your life. They are not worth it. Just… think about Fitz.”

  
  
“I am,” Jemma interrupts Bobbi before she says anything else and shudders at the sound of bomb going off two floors higher. She says that because this is true. They don’t want Captain America or Hawkeye, they want them – their perfect weapons – after so many years. They want the Soldier and the Widow back where they belong. Jemma knows for sure that they’ll never get her or Fitz. But if they do, this is going to be only over her dead body.

  
  
“This is exactly what I am thinking about,” Black Widow presses her palm tighter to minimize the blood loss. She won’t be able to make it anyway. “You don’t have to explain anything to him. But I want you to give him this letter.”

  
  
Jemma retrieves a small neat paper with only a few blood stains and hands it her. Bobbi pauses and sniffs, unable to hide tears anymore but she is not the only one. Jemma smiles sadly as she watches her partner hiding the letter and coughs.

  
  
“You have planned this, haven’t you?” Bobbi’s voice shakes and Simmons can’t blame her.

  
  
“We all knew this day would eventually come, Bob,” Jemma laughs teary. “I just… there is something I couldn’t tell him when we were together. But he must know about this. He deserves it.”

  
  
Jemma knows that Bobbi wouldn’t hide this from Fitz, not when she knows about their shared past. Despite the fact that Bobbi and Fitz had been friends for so many years, Jemma thinks that it might be easier to deal with the loss for he still has a friend. He won’t be alone.

  
  
“Okay, so,” Jemma mutters and stands up with Bobbi’s help. She takes a deep breath before she continues. “This place is probably is loaded with explosives. You have three minutes to leave the building, the shield will protect you from the blast but it will probably stun you for a few second. When you recover, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. Okay?”

  
  
Bobbi nods and tries to be as cohesive as possible but her lips are quivering and Jemma can’t look at her friend without shedding a few tears herself. The plan doesn’t seem perfect, but it’s the right one. Ideally, they hoped that there would be no sacrifices; if they leave – they leave together. But even such plans tend to be ruined by the third side and someone’s albeit selfish act in the name of love.

  
  
Jemma watches Bobbi leaving and when she’s out of her sight, Simmons checks her wound. Her hands are pale and shaky and she knows that maybe there would be a chance of survival for her. She could try to escape the mess and ruins leaving a bloody tail behind her. But dying here, among Hydra agents, seems fitting. This where her life began; this is where it ends with a deafening explosion.

 

_Please, do not blame Bobbi._

_I was the one who made her leave so she could deliver this letter for you_

_And there was no other way round; it was either her or me._

_I know what you might say: what I did was stupid and reckless._

_Selfish, even and definitely not noble._

_And I would say that you are right and I should have listened to you better._

_Even back then, when I ran away from our training to read the books in my room._

_It’s always been easy to talk things through for me rather than writing but words just…_

_Don’t seem enough right now._

_The words I couldn’t say to you when I was alive, not even when we were together._

_You know, I’ve thought about this. About death._

_But I’ve always thought that I’d die from the hands of SHIELD rather than HYDRA,_

_But even now it seems fitting, isn’t it?_

_They made us a weapon and told to find peace and I’d like to think that you’ve found one._

_I hope I gave you enough space and comfort but just know that I could have given more._

_No doubt, I would devote my life to you only to make it better._

_But peace, in our case, is quite abstractive concept, isn’t it?_

_There was a piece of that comfort when we were in our little flat._

_It was small, but at least I wasn’t alone._

_There was you._

_I just wish I had more time to show you more._

_To prove that you are just a lost man, not a burden. Because you are not, my dear._

_Please, do not think that this is your fault; do not blame yourself._

_Neither of us had a choice but I am glad I made my choice in favour of you;_

_I do not have regrets and I want you to accept my choice because I only wish the best for you._

_I love you, milii moi._

_And I have died thinking about no one else but you._

**_Love, Jemma._ **

 


End file.
